Understanding Loneliness: Unraveling the complexities of connection.
Understanding Loneliness: Unraveling the complexities of connection.
Belonging vs. Fitting in.
The first blog of this series, "The Epidemic of Loneliness: How Coming Together Could Save Our Lives," explored Surgeon General Murthy's appeal to treat loneliness with the same urgency as any other health crisis. Extensive research has revealed the impact of loneliness on our physical well-being, with conditions ranging from cardiovascular diseases to diabetes and dementia - with half of our country feeling its effects. To get to the heart of the matter, we have to fully understand the cycle of loneliness, as it transitions from disconnection to isolation. And uncover our own sense of belonging and the damaging pressures of fitting in.
As we move through our lives and relationships, our desire is to be acknowledged, seen, and deeply understood for the people we are. Especially in our uniqueness. We want to be known for our special talents and skills. We want to be appreciated for our individuality and contribute those gifts to a greater good with meaning and purpose. Yet without genuine interpersonal exchange, we are left unseen, we feel invisible. It’s why we can have the experience of being in a room full of people and still feel alone. We all ache for acceptance, it’s human nature, but most of us are straddling this grand canyon of being who we are and shaping ourselves to fit in.
The roots of our belonging.
Since childhood, our parents taught us the art of fitting in. Social conformity for survival’s sake. It’s how we were raised to keep safe in the cultural jungle. “Look the same. Be the same. Want the same.” These were the lessons ingrained in us. We were taught to blend and to be like everyone else, for the tallest poppy gets cut down. Our parents and teachers didn’t fully grasp the profound impact true belonging has on our self-esteem. Belonging isn't about sacrificing who we are to fit in. It's about being accepted, without compromising our uniqueness. Unfortunately, the pressure to fit in often leads us to mold into the mainstream. Molded, we live haunted by authenticity yet safe in the façade.
Complicated further, our sense of belonging within our family of origin shapes the narratives that carry into our adult lives. Sometimes, we bear the belief that we are the black sheep, while other times, it's the exhausting driving force toward accomplishments that make our parents proud. As with all early life lessons, we adopt coping skills rooted in self-preservation even when they no longer serve us. Our brain overrides our desire for real belonging in fear of rejection and exclusion, sending us into a cycle of separation.
Self-preservation mode and the cycle of separation
As we navigate the recurring waves of disconnection, we often find ourselves defaulting to one of three safety mechanisms. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself in one of the three. For me, its all of them. It’s no wonder we are weary. It’s no surprise loneliness has become an epidemic touching the lives of 50 percent of Americans. Few are immune.
We hide aspects of ourselves that we fear won’t be accepted and lead to being ostracized.
We deny our own needs in order to be liked and included in the fulfillment of others' needs.
We push ourselves towards perfection, seeking validation and recognition.
When in self-preservation mode, chronic feelings of disconnection and isolation perpetuate a destructive cycle. We tend to respond defensively, withdrawing further and surrender to internal conflicts. Alternatively, we may become offensive, fueling anger that contributes to a nation of polarization. In this state of disconnection, we feel more self-righteous and less compassionate, finding solace only among like-minded individuals. It may temporarily soothe our childhood wounds, but it fosters a false sense of belonging. And yet, beneath the surface, our deeper core wounds persist as we continue to hide, deny, or perfect.
From micro to macro: Invisibility, Individuality, and the dysfunction of isolation.
For more than two centuries, our culture has been built on power structures of inequity that favored only a select few. Outside of the narrow margins of acceptability, it’s a struggle to get heard, much less represented in the stratosphere of society. Those who don’t fit into or pretend to, are excluded. This inequity of acknowledgement continues as invisibility. The marginalized among us are the most susceptible.
Brene Brown writes of the most common causes of invisibility in her book, Atlas of the Human Heart.
Not getting proper credit for an achievement or contribution
Having little or no political or societal representation
Discrimination based on race, gender, sex, or origin
Isolation due to life experiences and circumstances
It’s a cycle of disconnection. Insecurity and feelings of isolation grow with this intense uncertainty. Safe spaces feel limited, so those most vulnerable contort into an impossible mold abandoning belonging just to fit in. For some there’s an easy prototype to follow because society leans in the direction of a certain demographic. Meanwhile, many spend their entire lives searching for a place to belong. Consider the entirety of marginalized populations who find themselves lost in this heavy cloak of invisibility, pushed into a mode of self-preservation.
Among these at-risk groups:
Ethnic and racial minority groups
LGBTQ+ individuals
Financially insecure households
Victims of domestic violence
Veterans
In the struggle of belonging ethnic and racial minority groups may adapt to a dual life, resorting to code switching to hide the parts of themselves in order to blend in. LGBTQ+ individuals may spend years, if not a lifetime, denying their authentic selves for the sake of acceptance. Victims of domestic violence and veterans may withdraw in isolation because they feel like no one else will understand or acknowledge their experiences. This is our epidemic of loneliness.
Healing the wounds of belonging
To heal from the cycles of disconnection and combat the prevailing epidemic, there are two vital steps we can take. First, a deep introspection, where we bravely examine our patterns of self-preservation and uncover any underlying deficits of belonging within us. Through our own journey of self-compassion, we discover the revolutionary power of self-acceptance.
Yet, healing is not an individual endeavor alone. It requires those who hold the societal advantage to shoulder the responsibility of acknowledging the struggles faced by others. We can choose to invest ourselves in a community of belonging over one weakened by invisibility. Together we can cultivate a structure of support for a modern society teetering on a fragile foundation of disconnection. In knowing our core wounds are universal, we are each susceptible to the same pitfalls of loneliness and cycles of isolation. We are all in search of the elusive reality of unconditional love.
Feelings of loneliness reside in our own evolving perception of unmet needs and social disconnection. They encompass intricate layers of impact, intertwining themes of fitting in, invisibility, self-preservation, and isolation. Belonging is more than finding you resonate with a particular group of people. It’s the feeling of underlying trust that you can be in your full vulnerability, with all of your differences and uniqueness, and still be heard, acknowledged, and accepted. It’s a complicated attempt without any guarantees, not even in our family of origin. Ultimately, on path of self-discovery, we must find the courage to be ourselves and embrace self-acceptance. Most importantly, we have to belong to ourselves in the purest version of who we are - - without anything to hide, deny, or perfect.
