All Apologies
The path from over-apologizing to
mastering mindful apologies.
Music has a way of sparking introspection.
With the passing of Sinead O’Conner, I’ve been quietly carrying this song in my head and heart. All apologies has always had a spot in my mixes and playlists.
Kurt Cobain’s original feels much more painstakingly visceral, Sinead’s version haunting and ethereal. In both, there is raw emotion for the pendulum of apology. Like a Zen Kōan, this song has me meditating on the complex relationship we have with those three little words, “I am sorry”.
The Politeness Pressure and Over-Apologizing
In moments of insecurity, I have found myself apologizing needlessly for merely occupying space in this world. Drowning in an undercurrent of over-apology, the word , “sorry” became a life ring to cling to when I felt like I was in deep waters. As a knee jerk reaction, sorry was a word to hide behind, avoid confrontation, and keep things “nice”. It's an antiquated byproduct of a societal pressure to be polite above all else, particularly for women.
The more I heard myself uttering unnecessary apologies, I felt the shame spiral of throwing myself under the bus. I knew to strengthen my depth of self-love, I needed to break that habit hard and fast.
I still catch myself apologizing for completely unnecessary things. I’ve just learned to be more conscious of times where I am shrinking myself to fit into an emotionally crowded room.
Create connection: Swap habitual for intentional.
Perhaps, like me, you too are an over-sorrier. Breaking free from this reflex allows us to reclaim our space and voice. We tend to apologize for inconsequential things like asking for clarification or saying no to an invitation because of a schedule conflict.
Swap out habitual "I'm sorry" for an intentional "thank you." It has more chops and creates greater connection through acknowledgement and gratitude.
Instead of "I'm sorry I'm late" -Try "Thank you so much for waiting."
Instead of “Sorry for so many questions”- Try “Thank you for clarifying.”
Instead of "I'm sorry, I'm talking so much"- Try "Thank you for listening."
However, even as we reframe the unnecessary apologies, we also recognize the importance of offering genuine apologies when justified. The power of a mindful apology lies not only in its ability to mend wounds but also in its capacity to nurture compassionate connections.
The Art of Apology: Deconstructing the Elements of an Authentic Apology
In the realm of relationships, especially intimate ones, mastering the art of apology is pivotal. This isn't just about any casual apology. It’s not a formula or a check list. It asks you instead to be earnest and heartfelt. These three elements can guide you to a transformation that fosters more compassionate communication.
The Three-Step Apology Process:
Recognition, Responsibility, Remedy - - and a *bonus* Renew
Recognition: Initiate the process by offering a heartfelt apology. Be sincere in sharing your regret or remorse. Express and explain the details of what went wrong. Watch out for excuses and defensiveness.
Responsibility: This step requires courage and vulnerability. Recognize your faults and take accountability. Demonstrate an understanding that your actions or words affected the other person, and express your intention to mend the harm caused.
Remedy: Begin this phase by asking, "Is there anything else I can do?" This facilitates compassionate communication. By genuinely listening to the answer you'll be honoring their feelings, perspective and experience. There is an incredible healing power when someone else feels seen and heard.
* Bonus step*
Renew: This is a bonus point to the process, because we can not control other people’s willingness to forgive an infraction. Apologizing mindfully is a shared endeavor that involves both giving and receiving in a great exchange of vulnerability. It embodies love and compassion, in recognition of a mutual path of growth. When both people embrace this process, grievances are released to make room for renewal.
Those three little words.
At times an apology can feel like a tiny death of ego, but in truth it’s a rebirth of relationship both to self and other. The words “I am sorry” in their full power, impact our relationships just as much as the other famous three little words, “I love you”. It's a journey of self-discovery, empathy, and growth that reshapes our interactions. It humbles our righteousness and softens us into our imperfections. As we inhabit our humanity, we learn to gradually take down our walls one apology at a time.
